My Australian Pet Peeve is Beautiful

According to the experts, when one moves abroad they go through four phases of adaptation to the culture:

1. Elation- or the honeymoon phase when “Everything here is so different and exciting!”

2. Resistance- when expats compare the new environment to what they are accustomed to at home: “XYZ is better back home than here.”

3.  Transformation- about nine months after moving abroad, expats begin to see the positive side of “all those differences”, and

4.  Integration- when the new location becomes “home”.

Having lived overseas a bit, my transition to life in Australia has been pretty easy.  I am experiencing resistance to only one aspect of Australian life: ADJECTIVES.  You heard me right… ADJECTIVES.  Actually, just one adjective in particular.

The first week I arrived in OZ, The Great Australian Spelling Bee was one of the top programs on television.  I kid you not.  Being a nerd, I mean, a professor, I thought it my duty to diligently tune in to channel 10 each evening.  I quickly learned we don’t fly in airplanes in OZ, we fly in aeroplanes.  And it’s not Aitch-R (HR), it’s HAITCH-R. (If you don’t know what I’m talking about, go ahead and say your nice, American “H”.  Now, make the “hhhhhhhh” sound and immediately tack the letter “H” onto the end. If you still can’t figure it out, watch this, and try not to feel too inadequate.)  On principle, I still fly in airplanes and file my employment paperwork at Aitch-R.

If you have ever participated in a Spelling Bee- I did, in the 7^th grade, and no, I did not win- you know that a contestant may ask for a definition, or that the word be used in a sentence.  Enter the dictionary.  Australia does not use Webster’s, as is most common in the U.S.  The official Australian dictionary is the Macquarie Dictionary.  I recently became well acquainted with the Macquarie Dictionary when I felt the need to look up a word which is grossly overused Down Under: beautiful.

My first day on campus a colleague introduced me to her graduate student, who took me on a little tour.  When he returned me to his professor’s office, she asked me, “Did you like Student X?  Isn’t he just beautiful?”  A puzzled look on my face, I replied, “Uhhhhhhhhhhh… what?”  I thought perhaps this professor was either crazy, or maybe she was just an overly emotional type.  She responded, “He’s such a great person.  He’s really beautiful.”  I did not respond.

Not long after meeting the beautiful graduate student I was in the lunchroom at work and was offered a strawberry from a colleague.  “Here Kelly, have some strawberries.  I grew them myself.  They are beautiful.”  They did look quite nice, and they tasted good.  Of course, I still couldn’t figure out whether designating the strawberry as beautiful was intended to refer to the outward appearance, or the deliciousness.

I’m convinced that over the last six months I’ve heard the word beautiful used more times than in the previous 35 years.  Meet a new neighbour?  The neighbour is beautiful.  The park down the road?  Beautiful.  How was the night you spent in jail?  That’s right!  Beautiful.

But the tipping point in my newfound hatred of this word came recently when my roommate returned from the pool.

Kelly: “Hey roomie.  How was the pool?”

Roomie: “Ah!  It was beautiful!”

Kelly: “Well, was the water cold?  Or was it comfortable?  Were a lot of people there?  What about the chlorine?  I don’t like swimming in pools that are over chlorinated, so, how was it?”

Roomie: “It was beautiful!”

Kelly: “WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN?!?!?!” 

Ok, I didn’t really say that, but I sure wanted to.

Apparently, there are no other adjectives in Australian English which convey a positive sentiment.  It’s either beautiful, or bust.  The problem is that the word is so overused here that it is completely ruined for me.  I was telling a friend recently that if a man ever told me I was beautiful I would be forced to dump him immediately because quite frankly, I wouldn’t believe him.  “I’m beautiful?  Well, the other day you called the garbage can beautiful.  So, by default you basically just called me garbage.  Is that what you are saying?”

After hearing about the beautiful pool I was forced to spend some time with Macquarie’s to see if beautiful has a different meaning here.  And lo and behold, it does.  Not only does it describe visual appeal, it can also be used to mean anything pleasant.  In fact Macquarie’s used the example: a beautiful meal.

But, I don’t care if it is in the dictionary.  I will resist using beautiful until my last dying breath.  And I never thought I would say this, but, please don’t ever call me beautiful.

The Big Book of Baby Names

I’ve decided not to buy a car here in Brisbane.  Public transportation is good, parking and petrol are expensive, and I can’t imagine I would really need a car that often.  I figure if I need to make a trip in a car I will just rent one for the weekend.

But I’ve ridden in cars as a passenger a few times since my arrival.  There are a few things I’ve noticed during these outings:

1. Everyone has a GPS.  And the GPS isn’t always that useful.  There is a giant river running through Brisbane, there are only a few bridges open to vehicles, and most of the streets are either one way, or two lanes, one running in each direction.  So one wrong turn, or getting stuck behind an accident can easily delay your commute for an hour.

2. I often feel as if we are driving too close to the medians and that we are about to jump a curb.  Throughout most of my time in Africa I lived in countries where they drove on the left.  In fact, I even took driving lessons and got my Botswana driver’s license.  But there are lots of very tight roundabouts and traffic calming measures which often make me feel like we are about to crash at any moment, and

3. Everyone names their cars. In fact, some people not only name their cars, they also name their portable GPS.  In the last few days I have met Pearl (a beautiful Subaru BRZ sports car), Sheryl (a portable GPS who got us lost downtown in the middle of Friday night rush hour), and Belinda (which it seems is not only a very popular car name, but the most common female name here).

Funny enough, I was just noticing the car/GPS naming prevalence, and then last night on the news they were talking about the most popular car names in Australia.  Approximately half of all Australians name their cars and if the names aren’t related to the car make, model or colour (Suzy- for a Suzuki or Getzy- for the Hyundai Getz), then movie characters seem to be popular.  Some of the top choices were Kermit and Bumblebee (from Transformers).

The number 1 car name?  That’s right. Dory.

But my favourite part of the news story was the comparison the newscasters made between car names in Australia and baby names in the U.S.: “Dory and Kermit may be a little cartoonish, but they are more practical than what Hollywood celebrities name their kids: Summer Rain? Buzz Michelangelo? North West?  Is this a kid or a compass?”

I’m Going to be on the Suze Orman Show!

Living in Africa you come to forget about the constant sensory stimulation you have at home.  Here all of the stores close at 7pm on the weekdays and 6pm on the weekends.  So you can’t really hang out at the mall in the evenings.

As I mentioned in yesterday’s post, there is limited television to watch.  If you do have access to television you probably either watch cricket, national programs or Keeping Up with the Kardashians.  I have to admit, I’m a little embarrassed THAT is our primary export to Botswana. 

Even if there are cultural or community events chances are good they will be cancelled, start late, or no one will be aware of them ahead of time because the concept of marketing doesn’t really exist here.

Since there are few things to do outside your home and work, you are left to your own devices when it comes to entertaining yourself.  That’s why a few months back I decided to take driving lessons.  Of course, that whole deal crashed and burned rather quickly.  But it was definitely entertaining while it lasted.

I’ve found other methods of entertaining myself since then.  For instance, I decided to download all the free television episodes on iTunes.  It took me about three weeks to download all 200 shows.  The funny thing is that I was more dedicated to the downloading process than actually watching them.  I’ve probably only watched about half a dozen shows.  Of course, in the event of extreme boredom I can always enjoy RuPaul’s Drag Race, Border Wars, Mario Lopez: Saved by the Baby, and Snooki & J-Woww. (By the way, I had to look up Snooki & J-Woww because I wasn’t actually sure how to spell J-Woww.)

Since the iTunes downloading marathon has lost its interest to me I had to find a new hobby.  So… I’m going to be on the Suze Orman Show.  I submitted a question to the “Can I Afford It?” segment.  Basically, you tell Suze what you want to buy; she looks at your finances and then tells you if you can afford it.  We did the taping today which was a lot of fun.  We talked about Botswana and of course, what I wanted to buy.  I’m not sure when the actual episode will be broadcast but in case you happen to watch the show (I believe it is on CNBC Saturdays at 9pm) I won’t ruin the ending by telling you whether I was APPROVED or DENIED.  The best part is, I get a t-shirt!

Big Brother Africa: The Chase

I haven't owned a television in seven years. But when I have the opportunity to watch tv, generally when I am travelling and staying with friends or in a hotel, I do take advantage of the opportunity. Of course I should probably be honest and admit when I have access to a television for any amount of time my viewing is typically dominated by reality shows like the Real Housewives of Orange County and Keeping Up With the Kardashians, and mystery-dramas such as Scandal and Revenge.

Here in Botswana I don’t have a television which is perfectly fine with me since I’ve lived a full life without one for the better part of a decade.  I occasionally see television when I am at the gym and then last week when I was in my hotel I was able to watch a little bit.  And to clarify “watch” I really had it on while writing blog postings or planning my classes for the week.  It was almost no active watching.  But, having the background entertainment did allow me to get an idea for television here in Africa.

Most of the television shows here are produced in South Africa, or they are imports from the US or UK.  However, the American and British shows have considerable liberties taken with the content.  For instance, my US show, Scandal, has been renamed The Fixer here.  There were several other name differences I noticed.

One of the other curiosities to me was the amount of censoring here.  In the US the use of expletives and crass language is accepted and few people think twice about it since we are so accustomed to it. Here they not only bleep out curse words, but they pixelate women who are wearing low cut tops.  These two phenomena are particularly comical to me when I’m at the gym.  The gym has three tvs: one is always set to cricket, one is always showing a football (soccer) match, and the third is a video music channel.  Naturally, since a fair amount of the popular music comes from the US and abroad the music videos are anywhere from 20%-80% pixelated (due to scantily clad dancing ladies) and bleeped.  Even the word “God” is considered a no-go.  Even if used in a positive light, i.e. “We pray to God this day…” it is either bleeped or entirely deleted from the audio.

Southern African countries have been very successful imitating American and British reality and competition shows.  The two most popular being Idols (based on the British version Pop Idols/ and the American Idol show) and Big Brother Africa: The Chase (based on the US Big Brother franchise). Big Brother Africa (BBA) finally ended last week, so it was a common topic of discussion among my students and several staff members I met in Zim. 

BBA involves representatives from 16 African countries.  Every few days a contestant is voted off by the viewing audience.  All the votes from a particular country are compiled and then the country registers its one vote.  The major difference between BBA and the American version is that there is an entire channel dedicated to BBA because it is broadcast 24-7 in real time for the entire season.  So for 91 days which is the length of the season, no matter what time of day, you can turn on the channel and see what the housemates are up to.  At one point I was up early for a flight and out of curiosity turned on the show and it was broadcasting all the contestants in the house sleeping.  It was actually very boring.

But this is a huge contest and a fair amount of national pride is staked on the results. According to two young men I asked about it, they said they definitely tend to vote according to which countries they consider a friend because they want to help out their allies.  This year Dillish, a 22 year old student from Namibia won.  The prize? $300,000. That sounds like a lot of money.  In the US the prize is $500,000, so I guess $300,000 is a deal for the producers here.  But in reality $300,000 is worth way more here than back home.